Posted in Beating depression

Today as tomorrow

I’m not happy with how things are in my life at the moment. Or rather I’m not happy with how I’m feeling about myself and my life at the moment. I’m trying to tell myself to start living today as how I want to live my life in the future, when I’m feeling the way I want to. But it’s hard. I don’t have the feelings I want to today so how can I live like I had? Should I change my feelings or should I change my expectations?

There are loads of self help literature, videos and blogs about turning your life around, following your dreams and becoming the person you’ve always wanted to be. But today, I don’t want to do those things, today I’m still feeling crap, apathetic and lazy. Only problem is I’m also bored, lonely and tired of nothing changing!

After my row with bae last week at least I know he’s happy with how things are. I understand that he isn’t feeling lonely and bored and alone when he sits by his computer all day – that is just projection from me because I feel that way when I do those things.

Really silly but I imagine myself as some sort of Cinderella, waiting for a fairy godmother and prince (aka bff) to come and sweep me off my feet, make me happy and beautiful with a meaningful life and gah! I can’t even write it seriously, I know it won’t happen, I don’t believe in fairy tales and sure as hell don’t think I’ll ever be in one!

As for today, nothing is changing. I’m still me. I’ve had some new thoughts but I haven’t acted on them yet, maybe the day that I do, something will change, until then…

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